Golf Humor

We hope these golf jokes can help lift your day or earn a chuckle as told by "you" the next time you hit the links. But these jokes are "not intended to offend". If a joke does offend you, we at "GolfinAmigos" apologize ahead of time and recommend "trying to loosen up".


Honey, I Found Your Ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the crack of the cow's anus."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that..."


Best Round Ever

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he made par when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 74, beating his previous best game by 5 strokes. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed . The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"


Christmas Morning Golf

Four buddies were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf ' ....... and she said, "Take a sweater with you..."


The Perfect Job

Carl went to a career counselor to help him find a new career.

After extensive testing, the counselor told him the results, "Carl, according to our tests, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others.

You'd make a terrific golf course designer!"



What Hole is This

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.

What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't," he responded.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."


Golf's Worst Foursome

1. Monica Lewinski 2. O. J. Simpson 3. Ted Kennedy 4. Bill Clinton

WHY YOU ASK?

Monica is a HOOKER, O.J. is a SLICER, Ted can't drive over water and BILL Clinton can't remember which hole he played last.


Handicap Golf

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.


Golf Pro Secret

What's the real reason your golf pro is always telling you to keep your head down?

So you can't see him laughing at you.


Arm Transplant for Golfer

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side effects."

"Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"


Irish Gilligan

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorragh! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over again, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"


A Priestly Golf Story

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to he terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And...if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."


West Virginia Women!

The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the West Virginia University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off ?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


2-Iron

If it ever starts to storm on the golf course just be calm and hold up your two iron...
Because not even GOD can hit a two iron!


Holy Hole

Moses, Jesus and some old dude were playing golf on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Long about the 17th hole, a long par four, Moses had honors.
His tee shot went straight and true, but unfortunately was headed straight towards the water hazard short of the green. Not hesitating, Moses dropped his driver to the ground, and held up his hands towards the water. With that, the water parted down the middle, and his drive ran up the middle, stopping just short of the fringe.

Jesus had next honors, teeing up and hitting an absolutely monstrous shot up the middle, but again looking like it wouldn't clear the hazard. Jesus calmly raised a hand, and the water became still as glass, the ball landed squarely in the middle, bounced off the surface of the water, and landed on the green, leaving a 15 foot eagle putt.

The old dude, not to be outdone, stepped up with his new driver and extra distance golf ball. Laying into the drive for all he was worth, he shanked the ball hard. The ball travels into the woods, where it finds a tree and kicks back towards the fairway. Landing short of the fairway, it hits a large rock, bounces straight up, and heads directly into the water hazard.

Before breaking the water, a large fish jumps up and swallows the ball. Before landing back in the water, the fish is caught in the talons of a rare peregrin falcon, who in flying away drops the fish right on the green. The golf ball is forced out of the fishes mouth, and rolls 3 inches for a hole in one.

Jesus looks at the old dude and says "Nice shot, Dad".


First Tee Conversation

Three men were on the first tee at the golf course and the fourth one went inside to pay. While they were waiting, they asked each other how their son's were doing.
The first guy says, "My son is a real estate agent and he is doing so well that he actually gave a house away."

The second one says, "My son is a car salesman and he is doing so well that he gave a friend a new Porsche."

The third man says, "My son is a broker and is doing so well that he gave a friend a bunch of shares in a good company."

Finally the last man comes back to the tee and they ask him, "How's your son doing?"

He says, "Well, he's gay and dances in a gay strip bar."

The other men looked at each other and were silent.

The guy says " I know, I'm not too happy about it either, but he's doing really well. Three of his boyfriends have given him a house, a nice car and some great stock shares".


The Pregnant Caddy

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and he Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced,

"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Old Gentlemans Challenge

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.

After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


Walking

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Physical Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken'.


Golf Terms

A " James Joyce " - a putt that's an impossible read.

A " Rock Hudson" - it looked straight, but wasn't.

A " Saddam Hussein " - from one bunker into another.

A " Yasser Arafat " - butt ugly and in the sand.

A " John Kennedy Jr "., - didn't make it over the water.

A " Rodney King " - over-clubbed.

An " O.J. Simpson " - got away with it.

A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver.

A "Princess Di" - shouldn't have used a driver.

A "condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A " Rush Limbaugh " - a bit too far to the right.

A " Nancy Pelosi " - way too far to the left.

A " Barbra Streisand " - ugly but still working.

A " Teddy Kennedy " - goes in the water, but jumps out.


Blind Firefighters

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers. After three holes, they complained to the greens keeper.

"Sorry guys. That's a group of blind firefighters," the man explained. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here any time for free."

"That's so sad," the priest said, "I'll say a prayer for them tonight."

"Good idea" the doctor agreed. "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The lawyer said, “So, why can't they play at night?"


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